Surrendering to the fact that you will never truly know the answer to why you got cancer is so incredibly challenging. But finding your own truth, well that’s an intense journey. 

It’s the lingering question right? You’ve been diagnosed and are going through the motions but one question just keeps stopping you in your tracks. “Why did this happen to me?”

IT’S SO UNFAIR

100% this f**king sucks, no one wants to be in this situation and you have every right to feel the full spectrum of emotions as you navigate this shitstorm. Before you can delve deep into exploration, I believe you need to try to accept that you will never fully know the reason why. You can find YOUR truth, but that’s the best you’re going to get. Even if you test positive to genetic testing, there is still no certainty that’s the reason why cancer began forming; it just means you had a higher probability of it happening. Period.

The sooner you can lean into accepting this, the better in my opinion.

THE BEGINNING OF EXPLORATION

There are going to be a million thoughts running through your head at this point and EVERYONE has a viewpoint on this so friends and family, hell even strangers sometimes will tell you their opinion whether you ask for it or not. Some advice to those trying to support a loved one... DO NOT DO THIS! 

Here are some of the paths my mind naturally went down:

• Stress & Overwork
• Hormones
• Exposure to toxins through food and products etc
• Poor Diet- Even though my diet wasn’t too bad
• Lack of Exercise
• Alcohol/Drugs
• Genetics
• Bad luck
• Trauma

So you have over analysed the shit out of your life, your past, every decision you have ever made…you are potentially experiencing guilt, remorse and regret over all of the things ‘you did wrong’ or should have done differently.

Yet you still can’t make sense of it, as you are surrounded by other people who seem to eat worse than you, are struggling a lot mentally, and not looking after themselves AT ALL. It becomes more confusing and you almost want to give up on trying to figure it out right?

But that questions is there when you go to sleep at night, when you wake up in the morning, in those early days in particular it can take over your being (hence my suggestion to focus on accepting you will never truly know early on).

THE ‘RESEARCH VORTEX’

If you’re anything like me you will delve deep here. At times it will get too much, you can’t unlearn this information. You may learn in depth about diet and the specifics with your type of cancer. Knowing this information can really empower you, but it can also come with an added pressure as you’re more equipped to know what you ‘should’ be eating or doing. It can (but may not) feel like a weight. For me it did, however I'm learning that I don't need to carry this. Baby steps. But I would always rather know the information than not. Personal preference right?!

I went down many rabbit holes when I was looking into all of these possible reasons, always searching for the answer but knowing it wouldn’t exist in a form I could rationalize.

For me, no matter how much exploration I did onto these external things I could control in my daily life, nothing quite felt right. Especially when I looked around at others and the way they were living their lives. It was extremely frustrating and confusing.

THE BEGINNING OF MY UNDERSTANDING

I listened to a cancer related podcast where they mentioned the book ‘The Journey’ by Brandon Bays. So I added it to my ever growing list and devoured it. It spoke about the emotional work we can do and how on a cellular level this can help.

Did you know that stored inside the cells in our body are old memories? They are called ‘Phantom Memories’. These old memories can eventually cause degenerative disease patterns within the cells. Before a diseased cell dies (and they do, all of the cells in our body regenerate at different speeds), it passes its memory onto the next cell being born. So the disease pattern continues.

Deepak Chopra has spoken about this matter and likened it to a computer saying: ‘It was possible to interrupt the programming and that once the programming was interrupted, the possibility for healing existed’. He said that in order to interrupt the programming, and uncover the cell memories and let them go, you would need to get in touch with the same part of you that had created the programming in the first place. The infinite intelligence, the body wisdom. He suggested that those people who know how to get in touch with this body wisdom- to get into ‘The Gap’, these were the successful survivors of the disease.

I underlined this book like crazy, and then went on to read more of Deepak’s work, and so many others around emotional traumas. This was all consistent with everything that was coming up for me in my psychology sessions as well. To me it made a lot of sense.

I devoured books, blogs, websites, and documentaries and eventually found my truth. Please note I’m aware this is MY truth, not THE truth. I share this on the off chance it helps someone else who may be struggling.

I F**KING FOUND IT- My truth

The more I read, the more it confirmed my new belief system, and I felt as though I was on the right path. Emotions, unresolved traumas, ignoring my bodies response to past situations. My body was crying out for me to listen and I hadn't been. I'd been storing these bad experiences in my body by not fully dealing with them. Not prioritising myself and my needs and creating the space I needed to work through them. Hell, I didn't even know what my needs were! It was only a matter of time before it manifested out physically in one way or another. For me, it was Breast Cancer...twice! 

Finally after the second time I started listening and something in my body told me this was where I needed to put my focus. So I did.

SOMETHING HAD TO CHANGE

I decided to increase my psychology sessions to fortnightly and continued my work well beyond our sessions. I went and started seeing a trauma healer and we have been working monthly doing EMDR sessions and multiple other ways of healing me. It’s been so impacting and I literally feel a part of me change through every session.

I did some ‘Journey’ sessions as mentioned in the book with a qualified practitioner. However I really believe it can be a different process for everyone and we will all find something that works for us to release, should we put enough focus on that aspect of our healing. I do not believe this is the only way at all and to be honest I feel I've had more growth through my psych and EMDR. However all combined have been hugely beneficial.

I am constantly still actively trying to work through my issues as they arise; I now give myself time and space to sit with things. I don’t try to rush past any emotion; I observe it and listen to what it’s telling me, how it presents in my body. I believe this is all intertwined with my healing. I'm no guru when it comes to this, often I need reminding from my Psychologist or Trauma Healer. But the more I practice it in sessions, the more I practice it at home on my own. I'm getting there...

WHAT I KNOW FOR SURE

‘The work’ is ongoing; you’re never done doing it. Things will continue to surface but it’s the practice of showing up for yourself time and time again and honouring your need for space to do this. It’s incredibly difficult but insanely rewarding.

You may lose yourself before finding yourself. For me this was the case. I hit rock bottom. I felt completely isolated and lost, unsure of who I was. I felt raw and exposed.

I slowly piece by piece rebuilt myself, more conscious than ever before. Questioning the ways in which I’ve walked through the world, viewed and reacted to things. I learned to lean into them with curiosity to understand why and if these behaviours served me anymore. If they aligned with my new way of seeing the world. If they didn't, well I worked on figuring out what I wanted my new life to look like and put focus there.

I’m still very much going through this process, but slowly rebuilding a more authentic version of myself. I cannot express the impact his has had on my life. I feel like I have been born again. It literally feels like a rebirth in the best of ways.

MY LAST ADVICE

Never try to suppress your emotions, not only is this bad for our minds, but also bad for our cells. Allow yourself to feel everything as it comes as much as possible. Sit with it, observe it, and know it will pass. Suppressing it or distracting yourself will only hold it in your body. It will eventually come out in a more harmful way. At times you may need to allow yourself the time to get away from it, but the more you can learn to be with it as it arises, in my opinion, the better.

I truly hope this helps in some way; this is my current understanding of healing. Do I ignore all of the other information around healing I have learned along the way? Hell no. However this is my main area of focus for now.

If my cancer comes back this might shake my viewpoint, who knows. All I know is right now; this resonates and feels right in every cell of my body. I’m finally listening to that!

SOME OF THE BOOKS I’VE READ (Reviews coming soon)

-‘The Journey’ by Brandon Bays

-‘What Happened to you’ by Oprah Winfrey and Bruce D.Perry

-‘How to do the work’ by Dr. Nicole LePera

- You can heal your life’ by Louise Hay

-‘The Healing Self’ by Deepak Chopra

-Creating Health’ by Deepak Chopra

-‘The Deeper Wound’ by Deepak Chopra

Plus an entire bookshelf full of more...

To read how I accepted my cancer diagnosis, click here.